yesterday I woke up early and stayed in late all because I decided against running
my legs had started to hurt again- not the sore from execise good  feeling but in the way that something's wrong
because tendenitus doesn't go away until you actually stop using what's injured
and the doctor told me that running may not be my thing
and I swore in my head then smiled and told her that I love to run and she just said that I should try swimming
I can't really swim

and now I can't run either

now what?

Turned on my computer- and searched for colleges yesterday
after I entered all my information and submitted my inquiry I sat in disbelief at the repetition of messages

THANK YOU FOR YOUR INQUIRY BUT UNFORTUNATELY YOU DO NOT MATCH THE PROFILE WE WANT.

basically- you are denied- we don't want you so leave
and I looked angrily at the screen and tried to figure out what I may have done wrong and came to the conclusion that the sites were stupid

well fine then- I thought- I could be an f'n genious, it's your loss

I closed down the numerous browsers and shut down the shut downs
all I was trying to do was get ahead of the curve- find something out about the places I may want to go but college sites tell nothing about the school- you have to request it and apparently they don't want me to know about them
well who cares about getting into your college anyway!

hours later I'm walking around outside, aimlessly stepping through the yard and looking up at the sky- thinking of all the things recently failing me
I rub my poor swollen hips and sigh
Time to go back in

scroll down through thousands of photographs I have taken- just to remind myself of the things I've seen when there's a frantic scramble by the door as people leave in a hurry
it's dark out there and the niight is filled with fire flies and june bugs trying to climb through my hair
they came back in tears- my sister and her friends
I pick up gizmo the lizard who looks frantic at all the emotion and place him on my sister's knee
pets have healing properties but i'm not sure about the extent
kaitlin killed herself
brittany smiles at gizmo and says she's sorry about drinking the vodka and my mother replies that she has to do what she needs to

and i think of all the things that have failed
close my eyes and breathe
and wonder now what?